Tuesday, September 02, 2014

To all the single ladies out there

Before you read this post, bear in mind that I actually encourage early marriage.
But this post is intended to single 25 years over girls that are looking to get married but still haven't and couldn't find the right guy.

The problem at hand

Why do you want to get married?
    A. Because everybody my age have got married. Some of them even have few kids already.
    B. Because I don't want him to fall for other girl.
    C. I don't want to be single and alone for the rest of my life.
    D. It's Sunnah

Here are the answer or should I say, an excuse some people give as why they want to get married so bad.

Let me explain why.

Reason A - Because everybody else does. 

This is a society pressure that someone at certain age have to get married, if not he/she is a loser.
Normally it's older people who have these kind of thinking, parents, grandparents, relatives and all of that sort.
Marriage is not and achievement. Something you have to do so that people think you are successful or something. It is not.

Most people mindset is that after you obtain your education, you get a job, you buy a car, you get married, have a children, then you should buy a house, bigger car etc etc.
If people didn't live their life according to these order, then they're a loser. They're not successful.
No. Life is like people said, is a canvas. Nobody asked you to paint a tree only, or a cat, or a bowl  of fruit. You can paint whatever the hell you want.
It's your life, you are free to live it your way.

You don't get married because you see all of your friends got married. Sometimes girls they love to see all these beautiful wedding decorations and they started dreaming of their dream wedding and sometimes with the intention of 'my wedding will kick her wedding's ass.'

What do you want is actually a wedding, not a marriage. Please understand that you only get your wedding that one night. But you get your married life for the rest of your life. So if you really want to rub on other people's face about something, make it about your marriage. Not your wedding.

But truly, marriage is NOT a competition.

You get married when you are ready. Not to win some competition.

Marriage doesn't mean you excel in life where single people doesn't.

Marriage doesn't mean happiness. Not all married people are happy 24/7. They have ups and down same as single people. So its basically no difference whether married or single in terms of life quality. It's all up to individual/couple to make their life better.

Reason B - Because I don't want him to fall for other girl.

You don't force a guy to marry you if he's not ready. If he's ready he WILL marry you and be prepared for all the future responsibility. If he's the type who easily fall for other person, then what makes you think marrying you would stop that? He will fall for other person even if you guys're married. So don't make this a reason.

Reason C - I don't want to be single for the rest of my life.

I know being single can be sucks sometimes, because you'll get lonely at times and you have nobody to share same experience and do activities you like with or maybe a shoulder to cry on or just somebody to tell your daily stories to. But bear in mind, there are couples who complaint their bf/husband doesn't listens, doesn't share same interest or even make effort to share their life story with you.

My point is, yes it's lonely at times but sometimes married people do feel lonely too.

You can be happy on your own, you can be happy with a partner, you can also be sad in both situation. Its not definite that if you are unhappy on your own then you will never find a partner. No, because all type of people can meet someone who attracted to their other traits.

I think the point here is that, you have to learn to live on your own first. You cannot expect to get married so that other people can take care of you. Don't be a dependent person. Yes there are certain things we do need help from other people, but there are a lot of things you can handle and solve by your own. Because you are looking for a life partner, not a caretaker.

But you also don't have to be too independent until other people take advantage of you. Everything should be in moderation.

Answer D - It's Sunnah

This is always an excuse by university students in the middle east or any student with religious background who preach but don't really understand what he's preaching.
Yes in Islam, getting married is our Prophet's Sunnah, the pahala/reward is like you build a mosque.
But you have to think back, marriage comes with responsibilities.
If you cannot cater for all the marriage needs, you are not ready to be a wife, a mother and make all the sacrifices you have to make when you get married then it will be a sin all the same.

Mostly the issue is when young people/student get married they didn't have any plans. Problem happens when the girl gets pregnant, then she can't go to class, always sick, have to take frequent leave and it effect their studies.
When the baby is born, now the husband too cannot go to class, now they have to think about money, have to work part time and resort to ask support from parents back home. Imagine the parents already have to support their education and also other siblings education, now they have to support their grandchild too. Haven't we burden our parents enough?

But it's good when the couples know how to plan their married life.
They can go to class together, study together, and excel together and have a kid when they are financially stable and ready to be a parents.

A good reason to get married:
    A. Menghalalkan yang haram.
    B. Because I'm ready.

Answer A - Menghalalkan yang haram.(To permit was is forbidden.)

This is actually why Islam encourage people to get married at young age.
Because after we hit puberty, we will have urges, so to avoid social problems that leads to teenage pregnancies, or rape or to avoid fitnah(slander), parents will find a capable guy and arrange their daughters to marry once they get their period so that he can take care of her. Some even before they get their period. Of course they will not live together until they hit puberty but this is the practice of Muslims at the old times.

Honestly, I like this idea. Not getting married once you get your period, but getting married at young age. In terms of menghalalkan yang haram. The whole thing I said about getting married in university.
For me if we really want to practice this, make marriage easy. If a student find someone suitable during university time, let them get married so that they can do everything together without being fitnah. Noneed for the extravagant ceremony and fancy celebration, that can be done at any point of the marriage. Let them continue uni life as the halal 'boyfriend and girlfriend'. Children can be planned after they finish study and get a job and ready.
The point of making a ceremony is to let people know that you are married. Now is the technology era. If it's just to let people know, just make some nice e-card and tag all the people in your Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
After graduate and get a job, if you can afford it, then its up to you to throw a super fancy wedding reception or the biggest wedding of the year all you like. Whatever you want. Doesn't matter anymore. Because the most important part is done, the haram has been halaled.

But I'm getting out of topic. This post is meant to single mid twenties and above girls who are looking to get married.

So carry on,

Answer B-Because I'm ready.

If you are ready, financially and emotionally and you have someone who you trust to share your life with, no matter if you are 16 years old or 60, then carry on, get married. With good and pure intention, InsyaAllah everything will be ok.

I know at one point everybody have the urges to have children of their own, but only few ever thinks whether they are capable enough to be a good parents. It's not simple you know, it's not just money. You have to raise a human being. Don't be selfish, if you can't be a good parent, you are being unfair to your future child.

Child factor

Being a mother is not only for the first 2 or 3 years of your child's life, its for the rest of your life. Normally from what I see, newlyweds are so excited taking care of their little baby from pregnancy until they were born, then come second child, third child the attention towards the older child became less and life hasn't been as rainbows and butterflies as the early marriage phase. What some people didn't realize, as your children gets older, when physical attention are less needed, the emotional attention have to be increased. Raising children is not a few years job. Its a lifetime job.

I'm getting off topic again this is not a post for parental advice. Back to the topic.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't have children, I'm just saying that you should consider these factors before making decisions.

Greener grass

There are some people who are head over heels in love at young age and think that love is all they need, got married early and then few years later see their still single friends enjoying single life, going places, experience great things while she's at home taking care of kids and started wondering the what ifs and whether or not she made a right decision by getting married too early.

That single friend with money who have all the fun in the world might not be as happy as she thought, while the married people with kids envying all the time and fun the single people can have without having to listen to kids screaming every now and then.

You know, grass is always greener on the other side. Don't do this, there will be time when our grass is greener than other people without we even noticing it.

Considering the odds

Looking at another perspective, statistically speaking, its a known fact that there's more female than male in this world, so there are bound to be women that won't meet their partner in this life.

One of my opinion is that, for those of you who believe the hereafter, God have promised us, all humans are made to be paired. Setiap kejadian itu Allah jadikan berpasang-pasangan.
But God did not mentioned it is only on earth, maybe if it's not on this life,dekat dunia ni, you will find your partner in hereafter, dekat akhirat nanti. Because we believe that our life doesn't ends here on earth only, hidup kita bukan dekat dunia je.There's also hereafter.

Plus if you look at accident statistic or death involving boys or teenagers, these boys all have their own partner written on their life, jodoh yang sudah ditetapkan. It was destined for them to go first and leave their partner behind. And they will meet in hereafter. But this is only my opinion. Only God knows.This is all his work. So who are us to questions God's will.

Not your fault

And don't keep on blaming yourself or saying it must be something wrong with you, it's NOT, it's just how things are. I have a lot of single girl friends who are smart, kind-hearted and successful in their career.
It's just life. Also like I said previously, there's already an unbalance ratio of guys and girl in our country. Then you can be 100% sure its hard to get a quality one among whats left. For an example, I have a single guy friend that if we rate him out of 10, of his career/life achievement, attitude/ maturity,family backround, etc, he's basically a 3. 4 if you consider big and tall as a plus point. But he's kind hearted so I tried to set him up with a girl friend of mine, that I rated an 8. But this 3 guy does not interested with the 8 girl. He's not even trying hard enough, I was like what the hell man? You'd be damn lucky to have her. But that's not how these thing work I guess. So if you do get married in the future, good for you but if you don't, then good for you too. Because you don't want to be like "I don't care if he's less than a 4, I just want to get married."
If you value yourself more, don't settle for less.

The culprit

Another thing to stress out, please, pleaseeeee I beg you, DO NOT watch all the sappy romantic malay dramas on TVs, or read all those crappy teenage love novels at the book stores. All of those make you have high unrealistic expectation on what your love life/married life/future boyfriends/husbands should be. Which is never existed. These dramas and novels are what to girls, as porn to guys. It didn't do you any good. Just leave you feeling unsatisfied with your real life.


My point is, you don't need to be with somebody to be happy. At least plant the idea in your mind so that you won't put too much hope on meeting some prince charming which existence you never truly know off.
It's okay to be on your own. And there's sooooo much thing you can do in this world even if you don't have a husband wrapped around your waist.

Appreciate and enjoy your current situation whether single or married, because you never know when its gonna last. If you're married, make the best of your married life, enjoy your husband and children's company, do everything you can to make them and yourself feels happy.
If you are single, enjoy single life, do all the things you wanted to do, be it whether continue studying, climbing Everest, starting your own bakery, travel, live in another country, do charity works, there's so much this world that God have made for us has to offer, how wasteful it is  if the only thing we care about is how to get a husband :(
Seriously, any other thing, do it. Its your own life.

Married people who tease you for not getting married might actually been jealous of your single life because if someone is contently being married, or happy with their own life for that matter, she doesn't have time to care and judge other people's life.

I hope this post will help all the single people to stop looking for a boyfriend/husband and instead enjoy life and focus on your interest hobbies or career. There's a lot of thing in this world that can give you happiness beyond your expectation. You just have to look for it. This is your life. You are in charge of it. You define your own happiness. Not others.

Good things will come to you when you less expected.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ngawhhh. I just like this post!


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