Saturday, January 05, 2019

2018 Preview

2018 really scares the shit out of me cos it's gone so SO fast.

My aim is to not live a routine life.

And I want to improve my climbing.

But what I basically did the whole year, is TOTALLY routine.

Work - climb - tuition.

I repeat that through the whole year.

Although starting October my life become a little bit hectic and routine breaks with job interviews, house viewing by prospective tenants, moving house and new cat(s).

At the end, my routine is scarier than ever and even though I send a lot of my projects in climbing, my climbing grade did not improve. Which really really bumped me.

Then all of the sudden 2018 end with not much thing happened.

Life just passes me by.

I honestly freaked out.

I really hope 2019 will not move that fast.

I'm really scared.

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Ironi

Rezeki yang paling saya inginkan, ialah kasih sayang.

Tapi saya mungkin orang yang susah untuk disayangi.

What do I want in life?

At the moment, there's too many things in my mind that requires decisions, a thorough thinking, that need analyzing, that requires solution. At some point it is too overwhelming.

One of my aim in 2018 is to not live a routine life.
My wish is to not work 9-5 anymore, 
Come to think of it, I started toying with this idea when I started travelling and meet other people who travel. They live simply with little to no commitments but they were happy travelling and see the world.
But in order to be able to do that, I need to work to have enough saving.
I still love my engineering career. Staying up late at the office willingly just because I wanted to.

Then I had the opportunity to do want I wanted to since I was in high school - climbing.
This is the time where the environment in my workplace turned less and less exciting.
All I can think of is my next climbing session. How to get better. So I started to go back home right on time to go to the climbing gym. And hated the time I take in traffic travelling back home. The time I could've use to climb.
And to make things worse, (or better - depends on perspective), I then met my now husband who willing to climb with me.
It made me not want to waste any single minute after 5.30pm in the office even more.

I decided to leave the company, apply for a normal job, as long as it's near home, and I could climb after work on Wednesdays and Fridays.

I live that way for over a year, happy, I can sleep again after Subuh(though its not good actually) breakfast at 8am, arrive at office 8.30am. No traffic. Go back at 5.30pm, reached climbing gym at 6pm.
Or on alternate days, go tutoring at student's house.
My aim is to transition to tutoring full time after few months working that normal job.

And after over a year, that normal job somehow made me unhappy.

Despite all the benefits (good pay/close to home/close to climbing) its making me unhappy and make me a bitter person and I wanted to leave.
So I started looking for other job in Cyberjaya, but since my background is Engineering, its hard trying to go to different field, even if I'm willing to negotiate the salary.
So I applied for engineering job again.
I got it and of course it's not in Cyberjaya. I got one in Shah Alam, one in KL.

I'm happy I got a job, but there's still something unsettling about it.
So I asked myself, and people who I asked opinion to asked me back, what do you want actually?
What do I want in life?
I wanna be an engineer, but after few years, I wanna do normal job so I can climb, I got that normal job near to home and can climb, still unhappy, then I look for engineering job again.
Still doesn't 100% satisfied.

What do I want?

When I look at it, I still love engineering, but at some point other factors are making me unhappy.
When I work in Cyberjaya, I really love it, the place, the convenience, but there are other factors that's making me unhappy.

So eventually, there are some other factors that's making me unhappy and I will run to find some other thing that'll make me happy.

What I want is just happiness, regardless of where the source of happiness is coming from.

At the moment, as it has been for couple of years, my source of happiness is still climbing.
But if I took that engineering job in KL, my climbing time will definitely reduce drastically.

But climbing can't pay the bills and I cant be doing it till I'm 40.

But I've missed this opportunity in my twenties, why can't I do it in my 30s?

I am really frustrated and undecided at the moment.

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Mind rants

Just my flowing thoughts.

Sometimes you think people are being mean to you, but sometimes, we don't realized we are being mean to others. 
For example, I realize that when I stand by the idea that I think is ideal, I belittle the opinion/ideas of others.
What I learn is that,
If you have an opinion, It's OK to say it and stand your ground but you don't have to say that others are wrong.

Agree to disagree.

Other people entitled to their opinion too you know.

Thursday, November 08, 2018

Random thoughts - OOTDs

I always wonder how those girls who frequently posted OOTDs and selfies keep up with their routine.
First of all you need to wear pretty clothes, like everyday. Unless u're a legit model or a celebrity, wearing pretty clothes every day is impractical.
Believe me I tried. 
First u need to have money to buy pretty clothes and dresses. 
OK you have money, then you need time to go to a mall to shop for pretty clothes.

The process of shopping itself is tedious and exhausting. For example, you find a cute top, but after you buy a top, u need to find a pants that matches. If u buy a dress u need to find the accessories that matches. Shoes, handbags etc. You couldn't possibly find everything in one store, then you need to go to different store, found one, u need to try it on. And there's only like 30% chance that the item u tried will fit you on the first try. If not you're gonna have to ask for a different size and this cycle continues.
One day wasted at the mall.
Feet hurts.
You got probably one sets of outfit, one look, one day.
Imagine doing this for many many outfit, many different look.

Say you managed to find many sets of outfit already, then you need to put on make up.
Putting make up requires time.
Provided you know how to put on decent make up. Most of us (myself included) don't really know how to put on decent make up.

Then you'll have to do your hair/style your scarf.
Also could take a lot of time, or a visit to a nearby hair salon.

And then you'll need to have a good OOTD background.
So in your house(I see most girls who like to post OOTDs have this), you'll need a selfie place where you have a mirror and arrange what's in the background of the mirror, cos you know, those would be included in your selfie. Mostly a neatly arranged bed or probably an empty decorated wall. Or what we call an OOTD wall.

So my take is, those girls must work in a nice place, or a place that's near to a shopping mall.
KLCC for example, or Surian Tower which is near to One Utama area, where they have the need to dress up for work everyday.
Yela kerja KLCC kan takkan tak dress up. Kalau kerja at those shop lots in Bandar Puteri, Puchong or manufacturing office, kuranglah sikit dress up nya kan.
These girls yang kerja kat KLCC they can leisurely go to the mall in lunch hour or after work.
So they always have new outfit everytime without having to actually go to malls on weekend for those who doesn't work near malls.

See, this is what's going on in my mind constantly. Petty unimportant things. Hence the existence of this blog. A vent mechanism. So I'm gonna just stop here. For now. hehe

Friday, October 12, 2018

12 October 2018

Sometimes I wonder why life is so subjective and full of variables.
How does everyone else keep their sanity and focus?

This morning I chatted with a new colleague, who apparently from engineering background as well.
Make me miss being in engineering.
But I know I'm not good at it, then why my brain(or emotion) bring me there, it's totally unnecessary.

Everyday I pray to God, to show/ease what is good for me, and keep away what isn't good for me.
And help me understand the sign if there's any.
Cos I'm a hopeless human being who don't know a lot of things, including what I wanna do in this life.
What I SHOULD do and what I WANT to do is a different thing.

I just hoped I could be more firm, and stand by my goals.
I left one thing to pursue different thing, so I should just focus on that, no second guessing, no what ifs, no thinking about turning back.
No, 'what if this is a sign from God that I should go back?'

NO.

Need to learn to shut some variables out, and focus on only one thing.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

It's October

Yesterday during climbing, one of our climbing buddy asked, how's life so far in 2018.
He asked Chaoi, he said average.
He asked me, but I was on my first clip on my route already and the question has long answer. Climbing while thinking and trying to explain how the year has been is not really my talent.

First being the person who analyze every little things, I wonder why he asked. Probably he genuinely wanted to know, or most likely he's just creating a topic of conversation.

But regardless, the question makes me think. Cos I've been thinking the same thing couple of nights ago. Cos its already October.

So in February I wrote that I have 3 goals this year, Financial goal, health/beauty goals & climbing goal.
Climbing has been great improvement for me this year. Except that I wish there will be some competition that I can join, but unfortunately (and not surprisingly) no climbing event were held this year except for that Varsity event this weekend. But overall I've improved a lot in climbing.
Health and beauty well, I managed to eat better than I did in my twenties , don't know about beauty cos applying night cream every night proved to be a hassle for me. haha
Financial goal is still on hold as the main goal that we want to achieve hasn't happened yet, thus the rest of the plan that follows are also need to be on hold. it's about timing apparently. So probably 2019 InsyaAllah.

So that's 2018 for me/us. Just getting by.
We have a cat though. Adding one more source of happiness.

It seems okay, but I have this little fear, of having wasted time not doing anything significant.
But then again, not every single year of my life have been significant anyway.
We can't have a meaningful week/month/year everyday or else it wont BE meaningful.

The scariest part is not having any goals to achieve.
But I do HAVE goals, just seems like I don't have any cos the main one isn't happening yet.
So, yeah.

Hopefully.


Monday, August 27, 2018

Fever rant

Down with fever today.
Alone at home with the cat.
I don't know how or why I got the fever, maybe the dust from the construction site next to our building, the hot weather or lack of h2o in my system these few days or maybe the psychological effect of transitioning from weekend to Monday, or cause of that little argument I had with my husband yesterday or the combination of all 5.

At this moment I really don't know what I want/should do in my life. Changes scares me, but changes is inevitable. Be it changes in yourself or changes from people around you, that could seriously affect you in one way or another.

Should I learn to adapt with these changes? Or should I try to make the situation back as it was before? Which one is better?

My brain is tired of having to process all this new information and trying to decide what's the best action to take while trying to take into account all of this new information and changes.


 

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