tracing the steps

Selangor comp in 2019 (boulder) - First boulder comp. Did well in quali rounds cos I have no pressure, then messing up my finals cos I knew other girls sent the deciding route and feel pressured to send that route, was literally shivering and end up NOT sending the route and got second place instead. Haunted me for a week. I don't really like boulder as much but the routes were too easy. I felt so stupid.

National Selection Jumpa 2020 (lead) - First lead comp. was really excited for this but didn't really have a right training for it. Felt nervous, and fell halfway like most girls on the first route, saw some other girl crying, tried to console her but then I got even more nervous myself. Felt pressured, overwhelmed and CRY even before starting the 2nd route. Couldn't even climb properly cos brain was too occupied with all the crying. Haunted me for I don't know how long. Even considered quitting climbing altogether.

Crank (lead)- Fast forward to 2022, I was anticipating for a comp to happen this year since MCO. My anticipation was spot on. Been working on my upper body strength since MCO, got injured, paying an online coach, paying a contractor to built a mini home wall, paying a gym coach for all the squats and deadlifts, paying normal gym for its yoga and TRX class, got injured again, paying for countless physios, quitting job again to focus on training, start new job again cos I needed money. All this within more than a year.

Closer to comp, carefully curated my training plan, do power endurance session, campusing session, finger board session, endurance session, onsight session, never ignoring stretches and mobility. Come comp time, I tried to be cheerful and positive, but once I'm in the line, I started to feel anxious again, and sure enough, nervous caused rapid breathing and rapid breathing caused my brain to not pump enough oxygen through my forearm, and when I reach the first so called tricky move (NOT EVEN THAT HARD FOR FUCK SAKE) I blanked, panicked and my left forearm could not even grip anymore. I've read that move all morning and I know what to do there but my left forearm just gave up on me.😭 I expect to send that route, that was a rookie route, a rookie went even further than me, I did endurance training 2 times a week for 2 months and I fell on the 5th clip on a rookie route. It was brutal. heartbreaking.

But I'm still okay after that, I tried so SO hard to compose myself and to not cry. Probably obvious to some of the belayers. Thankfully I dont..

Then on the second route, I slipped.

Same  thing. haunt me till today. Still cry whenever I'm alone. 

So what do all 3comps have in common? 

Wanting it too much, overthinking it, feel pressured, nervous, scared to fail, actually failing.

Nothing to do with training.

But why do other people have none of these issues? how come they just came, their first comp, and perform well? Why do I have to overcome every struggle there is?

Ok lets not open that door. Lets not go there.