dyazStuffs: Finding the root

I always known, I had some hormonal issue ever since I started my period, ever since highschool. I no longer can focus on my study, always distracted, my grades aren't as good as it used to be in my primary school. But people always say, everybody excels at primary school. High school is harder. But I don't see others struggling. I have to listen to music whenever I do maths, cos I cant concentrate otherwise. Littlest things can distract me from focusing. Hence in lower secondary, I still do well at maths/science subject but not reading subject like History and Geography, because I cant read long enough to understand things and memorizing them. It got worse in uni, where there's a LOT of theories and concept needed to be learned. I see a friend of mine, focusing on a lecturer in a class, and gets it. Some other guy was reading the lecture notes, got the concept. The other one learning some theories on Youtube, understands it. But I cant do none of it. I survived through engineering degree by writing down notes, doing tutorials and past year papers over and over.

At the time I thought, maybe its normal for girls to study by writing things down/doing tutorials but guys cant just listen to the lecturers, watch You Tube and can understand every electrical theories there is.

But I somehow get by and graduated anyway.

Then I somehow got a job in ABB, a dream company, doing LV switchboard design, while I could understand the simple motor controls, I could not for the love of me understand the switchgear switching control. No matter how many schematics I study, how many videos I watch, no matter how many times my colleague explains it to me. I just thought maybe I'm just not smart enough, that's as far as my brain capacity goes.

In short, I'm stupid.

Realizing that, I quit my dream job.

But even on another job, I struggle to reach office on time, organize my task properly, and I hated the commute. There's always some people or person that behavior I don't like, so I change job again. trying to accommodate my personal preference and my climbing time. I know a lot of people in my generation tend to jump jobs, but most of the time they did it because they want more salary fast. But me I couldn't care less if the next job offer me peanuts, as long as I can move on from the current job I no longer like.

Eventually I try going to sales. So I don't have to deal with papers and softwares, instead I go out and meet people. I like to talk a lot so I guess its fine.

I've heard about ADHD for while now, since I'm in uni, but being thought by Gen X teachers, lecturers and bosses, all these mental things are excuses people create to justify them being lazy and not wanting to follow rules. And too many people self-diagnosed themselves to get out from the situation they don't like and prove the stigma right. So I just thought, maybe I'm just an introvert with a hormonal imbalance issue that causes my oversensitivity, overthinking, low self esteem and my brain/IQ to recede. Also, while I admit my attention span is short, I don't have Hyperactive disorder. So I just let it go.

Its only today that I looked again at ADHD, desperately trying to point at what's wrong in me that I always known my whole life but couldn't figure out what it is. Desperately trying to find what else that got in the way of me doing well in climbing and achieving my goals.

So here goes.

9/9

Definitely got it from my mom.

"She has a lot of potential."

Yes. very familiar. First few years I believe it, but later on, I keep wondering what potential do these people think I have?

The tomboy thing. made me realize maybe I DO have the Hyperactive thing when I was in high school.

I always prefer sports over clubs. Marching band over orchestra. And my love towards every sports there is even though Im not good at any. Mom always got frustrated when Im not being as girly as she'd like me to be.