#mcodiary Day15

It's been a while since I last write here.

We're currently on the 3rd week of Movement Control Order by the government due to the Covid19 pandemic that's happening globally at the moment.

The order that's suppose to be 14 days are extended to yet another 14 days.

I have a very mixed feeling about this. 

Been wanting to vent it in the blog for a week now. But didn't have the time for it.

How ironic to say given that all I have right now is time. 

Why mixed feelings?

1. Ever since the last post, I've taken a keen interest in joining climbing competitions locally. After that last comp, I joined another endurance comp in December and managed to get on the podium for both boulder and speed category, lits up the fire even more to join the upcoming boulder competition in April 2020. To be honest I still don't know why I took interest in competition. I've never been a competitive person my whole life, so why now? Was it the glory? The recognition? Do I suddenly want to feel how those winning athletes in my highschool feel when they know they are good at something? 

2. On top of that boulder comp, I was looking forward to climbing Mount Kinabalu in March 2020. Hiking is not my thing, never liked hiking before and never been able to do it without hating it so much. The last time I hiked was at Bukit Tabur 2015. Its on a Ramadhan month and we reached the peak a little before sahur time  to watch the sunrise.

Anyway, though I don't like the idea of hiking, Mt. Kinabalu is one of the items on my bucket list and what better time to do it other than now, when I'm still at a decent level of fitness. I'm 33. I can't say I will be in the same condition physically when I'm older and God's willing, have kids. 

So Chaoi is the one putting our names with a bunch of other friends from climbing. So naturally we got excited and started training for hiking.

So this hiking trainings takes up my Saturdays where I normally climb. What's more with the boulder comp coming up in April. Everybody I knew has started to train bouldering since January. 

But I'm too caught up with my lead projects and then training for hiking. 

I did not train for boulder even I could've done it in PCP. Problem with me is that, I couldn't do boulder in a gym where there's a lead routes standing there calling my name.

3. My lead projects. I was trying to get that Camp5 Red Key ever since I knew it existed.  Well 2018 actually.

Ever since Chaoi asked me what do I really want to achieve in climbing? I started to search for it myself. I honestly climb simply because it makes me happy. As simple as that. But that wasn't good enough of an answer if I'm starting to want to do it all the time.

So what I want is getting better, so how to know I got better is;

(a) I'm able to do those big wall routes at PCP

(b) Those Red Key, in Camp5

The problem with Camp5 is that it was so far away from my house. And I don't have the mean of transportation to get there, without having to ask Chaoi to drive me, or sending me to a nearby MRT.

The way to get the Red Key is if you get to practice the Red Key routes over and over again. And since my Saturday has gone for hiking, not to mentioned Chaoi's working on Saturday, going to Camp 5 frequently is not happening. 

4. I quit my engineering job (for good this time) on November. I had my plans for my income, albeit is totally not nearly as much as before, but I'm ready to gear up on this whole self-employment gig, because I get to focus on climbing, (while I still physically can). I've prepared for every aspect of not working 9-5 except for one thing. The mental aspect. (of not having a fixed income.) Although Chaoi could cover both our commitments while my thing hasn't panned out yet, the hard part for me was the hopeless feeling. When you've been independent your whole life, suddenly having to depend on other people all the time is really daunting. You got so used to doing something on your own terms, doing things whenever you want to do it, according to your time, now you have to wait for other people in every little things you wanted to do. 

And the worst thing is, I still can't go climbing outside the normal time, BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS WORKING 9-5! But I'm still keen on working on my work plan after Kinabalu, but when MCO happened, all of the plans went south.

5. Covid19 happens when we were at Kinabalu. I was soo looking forward to all the climbing I missed because I was training for hiking few weeks before, and also thought it's time I need to start training for the boulder comp already. Its due in a month time. 

When we reached home, I got sick for a few days. Another thing that hinders me from climbing, but I guess maybe I could use a rest for the remaining week, and start climbing next week. And then BAM government announced MCO the very next week. I was so so frustrated to not be able to go climbing for a freakin TWO 2weeks.

6. That was 1st week. I don't do much, I just sleep and eat and watch TV and hating the fact that I can't go climbing. 

And then the boulder comp committee announced the annulment of the competition. At first I thought why don't they just postpone it instead of cancelling it, if they postpone it at least I got the chance to train more. But day goes by, I realized that I no longer care about the competition. 

I just want to go to PCP and climb all my lead projects.

7. Me and Chaoi have this plan, that after all the climbing comps last year, after Kinabalu, after that boulder comp in April is over, after I fulfilled my climbing goals, then we're gonna start thinking about having a family. I don't really know if we're both ready to be a parents, but its seems like the time to do it, we're both in our 30s and feels like we SHOULD, u know, have one. 

At least thats the plan.

To be honest, I am not ready. I know at my age, I shouldn't say I'm not ready, I should already be having 2 or 3 or 4 by now. 

But I'm not.

I never thought of having kids, even when I'm single and wanting to get married, kids were never in the picture. I just want someone who loves me, to live with me till I'm old. 

And when you don't do much in your 20s, and you find the thing u love doing at ur 30s and you're good at it, and it makes you happy, but it's a physical thing, I feel like pregnancy is the LAST thing, no, the WORST thing that could happen to me at this time. 

Its not that I don't want to be a mom at all. Its just not now, when I feel that I am good at something. How can I be a happy, loving and nurturing mom if I'm not happy with myself and have nothing proud to tell my kids in the long run?

Yes, there are many many stories about people who focuses on career in their 30s and put pregnancy on hold, only to find out later on that they can no longer have kids. 

It's a SCARY scary thoughts. YES.

But I'm not gonna force myself to be a mom when I'm not in a right state of mind, when I'm not ready emotionally and psychologically just because my biological clock is ticking. 

And now in the times of pandemic, the thought of having kids is waving away.

I know some might ask what's Chaoi say
 on the matter. For now he's with me on this. And I don't want to think about what happened if he's not, because that's not something I can control. I'm just gonna leave it to God at this point.

So no job, no climb, no baby plan.

I found myself questioning my own existence. 

But I only perceive this whole thing in one way.
On week 2, I try to think from a different perspective. Instead of thinking this as a punishment from God, I tried to think it as a blessing, the world got to heal, people get to sit back, to reflect and reset.  Probably.
So that's what I'm trying to do now.
Hopefully this will be over soon, InsyaAllah.