time to unload

Too many things in my mind since Crank. Too many time spent figuring out what's wrong, sat in front of the laptop screen, on this blog, without actually typing anything. but today I need to slowly letting out the train of thoughts that have been bottlenecking in my head. since I have no one to talk to.

Post-Crank thoughts.

1. My training does not went down the drain. I am stronger than before. But now its getting clear to me, my problem is not physical, but mental. 100%.

2. I haven't been climbing for a week now. I'm not giving up or anything. But somehow couldn't bring myself to go to the gym, where people might judge me by my Crank performance(most probably nobody cares I know) but the most hurtful is that none of my climbing friends asked me how I'm feeling after the comp. I know I shouldn't be expecting anyone to care about me, or wanting/willing to listened to my frustration. But as someone who desperately craving for attention/someone to talk to and being denied of it at every corner, I resort to distancing myself till I feel better again, at least until the need to have someone to mengadu/talk about my grievance has gone. 

3.What everyone said is "you did great!", or "good fight/effort!" or "proud of you!." False acknowledgement with good intention to make me feel better but easily dismissed, non-committal words. When all I wanted to hear is, "You are too nervous that you can't show your true ability. Let me help you figure out your problem and we'll try to overcome it together"

4. I couldn't fathom my desperate need of wanting to have someone by my side helping me overcome my struggles and achieve my goals while characters like Pian and Shin Ye managed to do everything on their own.

4. The salt on the wound for my inability to control my anxiety and not performing well is seeing others who I know doesn't train as hard/frequent, doesn't even love lead as I do got better result than me. This is Jumpa comp all over again. 

5. So hardwork DOES NOT beat talent, and this sports isn't "you do more you get more." Not when you have mental health issues.

Solutions.

1. I need to change my entire character and behavior.

2. I need to abandon my self-proclaim defense mechanism pessimism, where I lower my expectation so low to avoid frustration, because apparently there's a very fine line between lowering expectation and actually expecting bad outcome.

3. I need to be chill. I.e; not wanting this too much, cos apparently wanting something too much just drove us away from getting it.(for some reason).

4. I'm blessed to have a conversation with my mom about this, blessed because it does not end well most of the time, but she encouraged me to seek help for my anxiety issue, cos she has it for all her life. And that's what I'm going to do this time around. Addressing my issue.